One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful woman.

I had been growing out my hair for 6+ months. It had been the longest it's been since I was 20. People asked me why I was growing my hair out. I'd say "to be a girl." No one got it. When I was 20 and I had short hair everyone thought I was a boy. The looks, the questions. I cut my hair off couple days ago. I still look like a girl. No confusion, no questions. There's nothing profound about this. It's just funny. I could become a boy just by cutting off my hair. And now I'm a girl even when I cut off my hair. A part of me feels like I lost one of my super powers. And it's bitter sweet. Even if there are other factors, it feels like Time is what changed this and not so much anything on my part. Then and now still, I'm so uncomfortable with the definite. I hope I can always change. I want to be forever fluid. This isn't about gender, or any one thing. It's about existing and all the ways we can and we do and, maybe sometimes we just have to.


20.


26.

One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful woman.
One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful girl.
One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful woman.
One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful girl.

But for today I am a child, for today I am a boy.
For today I am a child, for today I am a boy.
For today I am a child, for today I am a boy.

One day I'll grow up, I'll feel the power in me.
One day I'll grow up, of this I'm sure.
One day I'll grow up, I know whom within me.
One day I'll grow up, feel it full and pure.

But for today I am a child, for today I am a boy.
For today I am a child, for today I am a boy.
For today I am a child, for today I am a boy.

(Antony and the Johnsons)