working 10 to 10, what a way to not make a living

First full day off of work since I started the longest/biggest letter (18" x 24", approximately 1800 letters) for the series and I've already put a good 4, 5 hours into it. And finally, I decided to put my wrist brace on. It slows me down, but it doesn't stop me. And fine, I'm old enough to try to take care of myself.

Here's a photo, because it's awesome.



I'm determined to finish this piece today. It's called "Exit Strategy." Or "Exit Strategy I" because most likely (if I like the way it looks) there will be several more of these in the same dimension.

and, FUCK YOU CARPAL TUNNEL!

Thank you though, Life for making tragedy as beautiful as any other Beauty you've got in you.



Edit- Sunday 4:00 p.m. FINISHED. Finally. Turns out it takes way more than 12 hours to do a letter this size. Good to know. (Horrible photo...)



more "Passive Aggressive Love Notes and Other Unmentionable Thoughts"

"We are at once free and enslaved"

"I really believe that if I were not a writer, not a creator, not an experimenter, I might have been a very faithful wife. I think highly of faithfulness. But my temperament belongs to the writer, not to the woman. Such a separation may seem childish, but it is possible. Subtract the over-intensity, the sizzling of ideas, and you get a woman who loves perfection. And faithfulness is one of the perfections. It seems stupid and unintelligent to me now because I have bigger plans in mind. Perfection is static, and I am in full progress. The faithful wife is only one phase, one moment, one metamorphosis, one condition."

-Anaïs Nin

Leave it to Anaïs to always speak my truth. If I were not an "artist" (or whatever I am) I would simply be the best wife (when I am.) It's a juggle and even more so a struggle. Often Sometimes I get a bit sad about it because all I want other than Art is to be a wife and a mother. But no one needs a crazy wife and no child should have a crazy mother. So we yes, move on.




My first painting in a long, long, long time (in progress and taken with a shitty phone camera) My first self-portrait in a long, long, long time as well. I guess, it just was time.

The piece is called "Here Comes the Fucking Bride." I'm in a wedding hanbok and will of course get the red dots on my cheeks like a good bride should.





"For his faithfulness, I give him my imagination. Even my talent, if you will." -A.N.

"Everything nourishes me, stimulates me"

Here are some lines I've underlined in the last couple pages I've read in Henry Miller's The Books In My Life. I'm taking lot longer than usual to finish this book, but the great thing about this book is that it (or Henry) does not demand you "finish" it. It simply wants to be there for you, and for you to pick it up when you can really absorb and be with it. And I, certainly love and appreciate it so much more for it.


"All these critical and interpretive studies of authors so vitally important (to us) are made in our own interest, I believe. Our labors only serve to make us better understand ourselves. Our subjects seldom need our defense or our brilliant interpretations. Usually they are dead by the time we get to them. As for the public, I am more and more convinced that "they" too need less and less assistance or instruction; it is more important, I do believe, for them to struggle on their own.

As for Joyce, certainly I am indebted to him. Certainly I was influenced by him. But my affinity is more with Lawrence, obviously. My antecedents are the romantic, demonic, confessional, subjective types of writers."


"We do not ask of one who opens our eyes by what authority he acts; we do not demand his credentials. Nor should we be forever grateful and reverent towards our benefactors, since each of us has the power in turn to awaken others and does in fact do so, often unwittingly. The wise man, the holy man, the true scholar, learns as much from the criminal, the beggar, the whore, as he does from the saint, the teacher, or the Good Book."

my flesh sings out, it sings "come put me out"

I started a painting today. WOW. What a feeling. I haven't painted in months, I absolutely adore my drawings and drawing itself, but it's so different. It's the most sensual act, experience. The feeling of brush laying (oil) paint on the canvas... The way it looks, the way it sits, glistens, smells, so alive and wet.

Drawings are my children, painting is my Lover.

A song for a Lover-



The body breaks and the body is fine
I'm open to yours and I'm open to mine
The body aches and that ache takes its time
But you'll get over yours and I'll get over mine
And the sun will shine
And the moon will rise
The body calls
Yeah the body it calls out
It whispers at first but it ends with a shout
The body burns
Yeah the body burns strong
Until mine is with yours
Then mine will burn on
My flesh sings out
It sings come put me out
The body sways like the wind on a swing
A bridge through a hoop
Or a lake through a ring
The body stays and then the body moves on
And I'd really rather not dwell on when yours will be gone
But within the dark
There is a shine
One tiny spark
That's yours and mine...

"...that in fact I never again intend to run into a blank wall."

I've begun translating my first book. On page 3 of a 276 page book. Call it ambitious, call it crazy, I call it Love and Devotion. This isn't so much a series, but a life long project. I want to translate all of her works (Anais Nin) and between her diaries and novels, well let's say it will take my whole life. It's paying homage, it's saying thanks. Her words are so beautiful, I know my translation of them into colors can't do them true justice, but the years and the work I put into them, will be the least I can do.


(left side, translated. right side, in progress)


(this page you can see the faint letters written in pencil)

The Fountain

the feather in the drain
said the water
comes here no more

and the leaf in the water
said i've never
been so free

the Lovers
pushed and pulled
and this too,
was written in The Rules

a whisper
flutters into thin air
words too, evaporate
nothing so concrete
even rocks
turn into sand
and wash away

and the world
showed Herself
when we started
looking

(Boston, May 2, 2009)

White Rope II

There are so many white ropes. How could I tie knots into all of them to make all of them useless? Make them beautiful. But useless. I could never get them all. And this morning, another girl found a perfectly fine rope, enough rope for a loop and a single knot. No, no, no, that's not how you do it. You make knots everywhere, you make knots all over so you can't use it. So you can't use it. Please, stop.

I don't like to go into depth what my work is about. But then sometimes, it's beyond "art." The "White Rope" series (I've previously mentioned but didn't explain) is about suicide. More specifically among Korean girls and women. I've come across too many of them just in the past 6 months and I know enough to understand there is something so wrong. There is normal pressure and normal depression and feeling not good enough. But it's more than that. It's not just individual and individual demons and weaknesses. There's a much greater force behind it that pushes. But we don't, I don't, know what it is because it's never talked about. Something is killing our girls. This is murder. We are not weak. They are being killed. Suicide, you don't investigate, you let it rest. Suicide, it's shameful you don't talk about it. But it's not suicide, it's murder. Investigate. Talk about it. Don't blame them. Stop blaming them. We are all getting away with murder. Even I, even I...

What am I doing about it? It feels like nothing but it is something because I don't really know what else to do. So I'm taking these white ropes, and I'm tying knots into them. Over and over again. As many white ropes. I need to make them useless. Knotted, tightly and complicated so they can't be used. I need to take all of them... I need to take all of them...



14


15


16

more "White Rope" drawings

One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful woman.

I had been growing out my hair for 6+ months. It had been the longest it's been since I was 20. People asked me why I was growing my hair out. I'd say "to be a girl." No one got it. When I was 20 and I had short hair everyone thought I was a boy. The looks, the questions. I cut my hair off couple days ago. I still look like a girl. No confusion, no questions. There's nothing profound about this. It's just funny. I could become a boy just by cutting off my hair. And now I'm a girl even when I cut off my hair. A part of me feels like I lost one of my super powers. And it's bitter sweet. Even if there are other factors, it feels like Time is what changed this and not so much anything on my part. Then and now still, I'm so uncomfortable with the definite. I hope I can always change. I want to be forever fluid. This isn't about gender, or any one thing. It's about existing and all the ways we can and we do and, maybe sometimes we just have to.


20.


26.

One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful woman.
One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful girl.
One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful woman.
One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful girl.

But for today I am a child, for today I am a boy.
For today I am a child, for today I am a boy.
For today I am a child, for today I am a boy.

One day I'll grow up, I'll feel the power in me.
One day I'll grow up, of this I'm sure.
One day I'll grow up, I know whom within me.
One day I'll grow up, feel it full and pure.

But for today I am a child, for today I am a boy.
For today I am a child, for today I am a boy.
For today I am a child, for today I am a boy.

(Antony and the Johnsons)

Bat

Park Chan Wook's (most notably of The Vengeance Trilogy including "Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance," "Oldboy," "Sympathy for Lady Vengeance") new film "Thirst" is going to Cannes. This means it's getting closer and closer to release time. I've been waiting on a subtitled trailer to share but I can't hold back anymore. Even if you don't understand, you will understand.



This "Twilight" bullshit phenomenon has tainted the vampire genre and I hope people won't say silly things like this movie is riding on the coat tails of those movies or is "just another vampire" themed movie. To be honest, I've never cared for "vampire" movies scary nor campy which these films tend to fall under. Then I saw "Let the Right One In" which was the most beautiful film of 2008 and I've realized, you can do vampire right. SO, so, so right. And I have no doubt Park Chan Wook will do this so, so, so right.

Its the stupid details that my heart is breaking for

I love Elvis Costello. I just love him. Everything about him.

"I Want You" is on top of my favorite Elvis songs. I know it's not the "typical" Elvis but I know this song is still especially loved by his fans because of the fact that he shows this side of him. And when he brings it, he BRINGS it.

This song is 1,000,000 stabs to the heart and one single slap to the face that says "WAKE UP."

Well with this live version make that 2,000,000 stabs to the heart.


Oh my baby baby I love you more than I can tell
I dont think I can live without you
And I know that I never will
Oh my baby baby I want you so it scares me to death
I cant say anymore than I love you
Everything else is a waste of breath
I want you
Youve had your fun you dont get well no more
I want you
Your fingernails go dragging down the wall
Be careful darling you might fall
I want you
I woke up and one of us was crying
I want you
You said young man I do believe youre dying
I want you
If you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days
You can look in my eyes and you can count the ways
I want you
Did you mean to tell me but seem to forget
I want you
Since when were you so generous and inarticulate
I want you
Its the stupid details that my heart is breaking for
Its the way your shoulders shake and what theyre shaking for
Its knowing that he knows you now after only guessing
I want you
Its the thought of him undressing you or you undressing
I want you
He tossed some tatty compliment your way
I want you
And you were fool enough to love it when he said
I want you
The truth cant hurt you its just like the dark
It scares you witless
But in time you see things clear and stark
I want you
Go on and hurt me then well let it drop
I want you
Im afraid I wont know where to stop
I want you
Im not ashamed to say I cried for you
I want you
I want to know the things you did that we do too
I want you
I want to hear he pleases you more than I do
I want you
I might as well be useless for all it means to you
I want you
Did you call his name out as he held you down
I want you
Oh no my darling not with that clown
I want you
Youve had your fun you dont get well no more
I want you
No-one who wants you could want you more
I want you
Every night when I go off to bed and when I wake up
I want you
Im going to say it once again til I instill it
I know Im going to feel this way until you kill it
I want you
I want you

Treeless Mountain

"Treeless Mountain" is a Korean film directed by So-yong Kim about two sister's summer while their mother leaves them in search of their father. She tells them by the time their piggy bank is full, she'll be back. It's a story of the two little girls figuring out life with all its confusions and unfamiliar offerings, but doing so determined and earnestly. From the clips and the trailer I'm certain it's going to be heartbreaking, but even more so triumphant and wise.

I came across this film on NPR and you can read the review here.



Such quiet narrative, I love the naturalness of it all, from the visuals to the acting. Nothing seems forced, it just is. I love that.

It's got such limited release but I'll make sure to get my hands on it when I can. Again, if you know me, you understand children mean everything to me, especially in Art, especially in Life. They teach me everything.

Found in translation

Just 2 days and I've translated 14 "love notes" and other "unmentionable thoughts." A little bit excessive but as one of my favorite saying goes Beauty inspires obsession. It really does. I don't see an end to this anytime too soon however I do want to begin translating Korean poems/songs into colors. This will require me to come up with a much different system when assigning colors to letters than the fairly simple one I use for the English alphabet. Unlike English, the Korean version will have different colors being layered up top of eachother because a single Korean word is formed by different letters (of the Korean alphabet) "joining/building on top of" one another. I'm excited to try to find a way to translate Korean into color. I may be unsuccessful, but I will try. Keep a look out for these in the coming weeks.

For now, some more from the current series. And for the rest, go to my website.



So much like home and all this time I didn't know




I know I fucked up in the beginning

that's the plan, rule the world (you and me)

Thanks to This American Life live at Chicago Theatre last night (it was fucking fantastic by the way) I learned that I am, Dr. Horrible. I've never personally seen this internet based blog/show of Dr. Horrible, created by Joss Whedon (of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" film, "Toy Story," and much more) and starring Neil Patrick Harris. But, I like this Dr. Horrible guy, I understand him. I get why he made that freeze ray. Sigh. I would too if I had his skills. Instead, art it is.


With my freeze ray
I will find the time to
Find the words to

Tell you how
How you make
Make me feel
What’s the phrase?

Like a fool
Kind of sick
Special needs
Anyways...

Passive aggressive love notes

My own words. It's not poetry. It's unapologetically sentimental and personal. And I'm calling this series "Passive Aggressive Love Notes and Other Unmentionable Thoughts." So yes, extremely sentimental, and personal.




(Untitled)




I don't want to stare at your feet all night


The other two can be found on my website and as more are done, they will be uploaded.

us.

"A Self-Portrait with all of my friends"