White Rope II

There are so many white ropes. How could I tie knots into all of them to make all of them useless? Make them beautiful. But useless. I could never get them all. And this morning, another girl found a perfectly fine rope, enough rope for a loop and a single knot. No, no, no, that's not how you do it. You make knots everywhere, you make knots all over so you can't use it. So you can't use it. Please, stop.

I don't like to go into depth what my work is about. But then sometimes, it's beyond "art." The "White Rope" series (I've previously mentioned but didn't explain) is about suicide. More specifically among Korean girls and women. I've come across too many of them just in the past 6 months and I know enough to understand there is something so wrong. There is normal pressure and normal depression and feeling not good enough. But it's more than that. It's not just individual and individual demons and weaknesses. There's a much greater force behind it that pushes. But we don't, I don't, know what it is because it's never talked about. Something is killing our girls. This is murder. We are not weak. They are being killed. Suicide, you don't investigate, you let it rest. Suicide, it's shameful you don't talk about it. But it's not suicide, it's murder. Investigate. Talk about it. Don't blame them. Stop blaming them. We are all getting away with murder. Even I, even I...

What am I doing about it? It feels like nothing but it is something because I don't really know what else to do. So I'm taking these white ropes, and I'm tying knots into them. Over and over again. As many white ropes. I need to make them useless. Knotted, tightly and complicated so they can't be used. I need to take all of them... I need to take all of them...



14


15


16

more "White Rope" drawings

One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful woman.

I had been growing out my hair for 6+ months. It had been the longest it's been since I was 20. People asked me why I was growing my hair out. I'd say "to be a girl." No one got it. When I was 20 and I had short hair everyone thought I was a boy. The looks, the questions. I cut my hair off couple days ago. I still look like a girl. No confusion, no questions. There's nothing profound about this. It's just funny. I could become a boy just by cutting off my hair. And now I'm a girl even when I cut off my hair. A part of me feels like I lost one of my super powers. And it's bitter sweet. Even if there are other factors, it feels like Time is what changed this and not so much anything on my part. Then and now still, I'm so uncomfortable with the definite. I hope I can always change. I want to be forever fluid. This isn't about gender, or any one thing. It's about existing and all the ways we can and we do and, maybe sometimes we just have to.


20.


26.

One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful woman.
One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful girl.
One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful woman.
One day I'll grow up, I'll be a beautiful girl.

But for today I am a child, for today I am a boy.
For today I am a child, for today I am a boy.
For today I am a child, for today I am a boy.

One day I'll grow up, I'll feel the power in me.
One day I'll grow up, of this I'm sure.
One day I'll grow up, I know whom within me.
One day I'll grow up, feel it full and pure.

But for today I am a child, for today I am a boy.
For today I am a child, for today I am a boy.
For today I am a child, for today I am a boy.

(Antony and the Johnsons)

Bat

Park Chan Wook's (most notably of The Vengeance Trilogy including "Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance," "Oldboy," "Sympathy for Lady Vengeance") new film "Thirst" is going to Cannes. This means it's getting closer and closer to release time. I've been waiting on a subtitled trailer to share but I can't hold back anymore. Even if you don't understand, you will understand.



This "Twilight" bullshit phenomenon has tainted the vampire genre and I hope people won't say silly things like this movie is riding on the coat tails of those movies or is "just another vampire" themed movie. To be honest, I've never cared for "vampire" movies scary nor campy which these films tend to fall under. Then I saw "Let the Right One In" which was the most beautiful film of 2008 and I've realized, you can do vampire right. SO, so, so right. And I have no doubt Park Chan Wook will do this so, so, so right.

Its the stupid details that my heart is breaking for

I love Elvis Costello. I just love him. Everything about him.

"I Want You" is on top of my favorite Elvis songs. I know it's not the "typical" Elvis but I know this song is still especially loved by his fans because of the fact that he shows this side of him. And when he brings it, he BRINGS it.

This song is 1,000,000 stabs to the heart and one single slap to the face that says "WAKE UP."

Well with this live version make that 2,000,000 stabs to the heart.


Oh my baby baby I love you more than I can tell
I dont think I can live without you
And I know that I never will
Oh my baby baby I want you so it scares me to death
I cant say anymore than I love you
Everything else is a waste of breath
I want you
Youve had your fun you dont get well no more
I want you
Your fingernails go dragging down the wall
Be careful darling you might fall
I want you
I woke up and one of us was crying
I want you
You said young man I do believe youre dying
I want you
If you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days
You can look in my eyes and you can count the ways
I want you
Did you mean to tell me but seem to forget
I want you
Since when were you so generous and inarticulate
I want you
Its the stupid details that my heart is breaking for
Its the way your shoulders shake and what theyre shaking for
Its knowing that he knows you now after only guessing
I want you
Its the thought of him undressing you or you undressing
I want you
He tossed some tatty compliment your way
I want you
And you were fool enough to love it when he said
I want you
The truth cant hurt you its just like the dark
It scares you witless
But in time you see things clear and stark
I want you
Go on and hurt me then well let it drop
I want you
Im afraid I wont know where to stop
I want you
Im not ashamed to say I cried for you
I want you
I want to know the things you did that we do too
I want you
I want to hear he pleases you more than I do
I want you
I might as well be useless for all it means to you
I want you
Did you call his name out as he held you down
I want you
Oh no my darling not with that clown
I want you
Youve had your fun you dont get well no more
I want you
No-one who wants you could want you more
I want you
Every night when I go off to bed and when I wake up
I want you
Im going to say it once again til I instill it
I know Im going to feel this way until you kill it
I want you
I want you

Treeless Mountain

"Treeless Mountain" is a Korean film directed by So-yong Kim about two sister's summer while their mother leaves them in search of their father. She tells them by the time their piggy bank is full, she'll be back. It's a story of the two little girls figuring out life with all its confusions and unfamiliar offerings, but doing so determined and earnestly. From the clips and the trailer I'm certain it's going to be heartbreaking, but even more so triumphant and wise.

I came across this film on NPR and you can read the review here.



Such quiet narrative, I love the naturalness of it all, from the visuals to the acting. Nothing seems forced, it just is. I love that.

It's got such limited release but I'll make sure to get my hands on it when I can. Again, if you know me, you understand children mean everything to me, especially in Art, especially in Life. They teach me everything.

Found in translation

Just 2 days and I've translated 14 "love notes" and other "unmentionable thoughts." A little bit excessive but as one of my favorite saying goes Beauty inspires obsession. It really does. I don't see an end to this anytime too soon however I do want to begin translating Korean poems/songs into colors. This will require me to come up with a much different system when assigning colors to letters than the fairly simple one I use for the English alphabet. Unlike English, the Korean version will have different colors being layered up top of eachother because a single Korean word is formed by different letters (of the Korean alphabet) "joining/building on top of" one another. I'm excited to try to find a way to translate Korean into color. I may be unsuccessful, but I will try. Keep a look out for these in the coming weeks.

For now, some more from the current series. And for the rest, go to my website.



So much like home and all this time I didn't know




I know I fucked up in the beginning

that's the plan, rule the world (you and me)

Thanks to This American Life live at Chicago Theatre last night (it was fucking fantastic by the way) I learned that I am, Dr. Horrible. I've never personally seen this internet based blog/show of Dr. Horrible, created by Joss Whedon (of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" film, "Toy Story," and much more) and starring Neil Patrick Harris. But, I like this Dr. Horrible guy, I understand him. I get why he made that freeze ray. Sigh. I would too if I had his skills. Instead, art it is.


With my freeze ray
I will find the time to
Find the words to

Tell you how
How you make
Make me feel
What’s the phrase?

Like a fool
Kind of sick
Special needs
Anyways...

Passive aggressive love notes

My own words. It's not poetry. It's unapologetically sentimental and personal. And I'm calling this series "Passive Aggressive Love Notes and Other Unmentionable Thoughts." So yes, extremely sentimental, and personal.




(Untitled)




I don't want to stare at your feet all night


The other two can be found on my website and as more are done, they will be uploaded.

us.

"A Self-Portrait with all of my friends"

White Rope

These are just some of 20+ drawings I have so far in my "White Rope" series. All of these are 6" x 9" but I am starting to work in 11" x 14" format as well.

I'm hoping to get all of these drawings up (as well as older works and other series) on my site michellejanelee.com by the end of the month. Still working on the website, not yet ready for the "official" launch. Hopefully soon.


2


11


12


13


17

(This series is dedicated to all the Brave Korean girls. Especially Daisy Yoon Choi. Thank you for this friendship and inspiration.)

Daisy Sonobe

Regina Spektor

Regina Spektor just announced the release date for her next album "Far." Mark your calendars for June 23rd. I'm revisiting her songs again now, and I just can not wait. She's the innocent little girl with a big secret on mischievous adventures. Her music is a pretty girl giggling in your ear.

She'll also be kicking off a tour, catch it. I had the pleasure of seeing her on her last tour and she is the cutest gosh darn thing I ever did see, and oh, she's a pretty damn good musician too.

The video for "Fidelity" = LOVE.

Coming for you ready or not.

Song- Girl in the Tower
Artist- Benji Hughes

I had a dream last night
About when you were mine
The streets ran red with blood
It mixed into the mud
You were a chamber maid in Spain

Swan Lake

There's a shrine everywhere.
A single red rose tied to a tree.

20 cigarettes and a bottle of water-
the thirst and the smoke
in the back of your throat. The thumb
tap and clouds of white smoke. You
couldn't have been very tall. Small hands
like mine, but softer. Straight, jet black hair,
maybe down past your shoulders. The wind
blew through it. A curtain cascading.
The ripples, the slowly rising wave.

We could've been friends. And,
this might sound crazy, maybe we
could've been more. Now hear me out.
Sometimes it takes a crazy fuck like me,
to save anyone from a crazy world like this.

I smoked four cigarettes and went
down wrong side streets. I parked and sat
listening to the same two songs.
In my room I can see the city.
A make shift curtain out of a bed sheet.
You never made it to the first floor.
I would've carried you there if I knew.

This is so generic (and I'm sorry)
but I understand. It's good bye and
nice to meet you on the same day.
This is so generic (and I'm sorry)
but I'm glad I met you.
Is it silly to ask "how are you?"
Maybe a bit tacky, but I think
I finally see you smile.
No one tells you how to die
so fuck no one can tell you how to live
after the fall. So smile all you want to.
This is so generic (and I'm sorry)
but the hard part is over.

Do you mind if I know your face?
Sorry, I'm not the best at drawing, but
I'm trying. I hear your umma* crying.
I'm sorry I freeze up now and then.

I went down the wrong side street
with a cigarette and a can of sprite-
the thirst and the smoke
in the back of my throat. The thumb
tap and clouds of white smoke. I parked
and sat, listening to the same two songs.
Outside the car window I could see the city
and a single red rose tied to a tree.
There's a shrine everywhere.



*mom in Korean

Half Nelson

Can't talk about Ryan Gosling and not bring up "Half Nelson." One of my favorite films of all time. Incredible. I don't want to talk about it too much. Just watch it. A warning- it will make you want to shrivel up in the corner of your room and just rock yourself back and forth at times... begging just to survive.

Dead Man's Bones

Dead Man's Bones is two man band composed of actors Ryan Gosling and Zach Shields (I don't know who Zach is either...) I had heard and seen the video for the song "In the Room Where you Sleep" quite awhile ago. Though I enjoyed it, it didn't grab me.

Then today I came across another song, and a video, for "Name in Stone." And it is fantastic. The song and the video both.

I appreciate the feel, the mood, the theatrics of this band. I love that they do so well carrying the somber, haunting, dramatic yet whimsical mood through every aspects of the band experience. From the sound, to visuals, to names (the band name and song names.) And of course I love that children play a part in the music.

I raise my flag out into your heart you let the winds come tear it apart


DEAD MAN'S BONES - "NAME IN STONE" from biz3 publicity on Vimeo

Falling Slowly- 2AM

"Once" is one of my favorite films of all time. The soundtrack, all the songs are deep in my heart.

I came across this video of a Korean Boy Band "2AM" covering the song "Falling Slowly."

I'm impressed. And I actually find find their Engrish cute. Go Korea! I keep finding cooler and cooler things from the Motherland and it makes me pretty damn proud.

Geoffrey Todd Smith at Western Exhibition

I've mentioned Geoffrey Todd Smith on my blog before and I am super excited to check out his show at Western Exhibition.

Tonight is the opening night but the show runs until May 30th. Good thing because I'm gonna need to make several trips to soak all of it in. By the way, he gives his pieces the best titles. I wish I could be as cool, and as good, as him.

Opening Reception: Friday, April 3, 5-8pm
Gallery Hours: Wednesday to Saturday, 11am to 6pm
More info: 312.480.8390 scott@westernexhibitions.com




Geoffrey Todd Smith is Murdering the Rhythm like the RZA on Ritalin, 2009

ink and gouache on paper

20" h x 18"w




Geoffrey Todd Smith's Heart is a Deep Ocean of Secrets, 2009

ink and gouache on paper

22" h x 20"




Suicide Eye, 2008

ink and gouache on paper

31"x 29"

I had a Butterfinger Blizzard and some fries

Really into this song right now. I do prefer the album version but this is still sweet. Benji Hughes is such a badass! Hundred million ways to break a heart, and that's the one you taught me...

you're beautiful but that's not the point.

Let me be honest, the first read, I didn't care for this poem at all. In fact, I skimmed through it. I had no idea what she was saying, nor did I care. I thought, oh another smart-ass contemporary poet with her oh so clever format and casual, nonchalant, stream of consciousness-esque "Poem."

Well, something brought me back to it half an hour later. And, I understood. I nearly died. I'm afraid to read it again as I post it now. Because I know I'll have to gasp for air again.

Here I go...


Miniature Bridges, Your Mouth

what we do in the dark has no hands. no
crossover effect, no good-bye kiss after the alarm.
what we carry in, we carry out, end of story. this
doesn't even want to be love. except in minutes
when your face has the shape of my palm and I think
lungful. let want out with the cat. returns
and returns, something dutiful. persistent.
hold your breath, let it build, let go. this is practice.
I'm losing weight, a bad sign, I'm happy. serious,
you say. contained, I think. the cat comes back
with a dead bird to the doorstep, an offering. bloodless
this should be easy. a two-step to cowboys. you're beautiful
but that's not the point.

x

I know my way back perfectly well. like the back
of my hand, as it were. but look, the labyrinth walls
are high hedge and green. this also could be joy.

xx

I literally don't know your middle name. does that
matter? what systems we arrange for intimacy, small
disclosures like miniature bridges, your mouth. not
what I'd anticipated. softer. to begin with,
I should tell the truth more. I could miss you,
and that's a liability.

xxx

I am not often off-kilter. but you're so silent, even
naked, and almost absent. I hush too, why
are we here. go. want to throw things, you, the clock,
break windows until something bleeds and you finally
scream. I tell you too much; we are not
those people. or nothing--maybe I say
utilitarian fuck. how would that be. I want you
to want to fall in love with me and that's
unhealthy. wrong. leave your shoes by the door
and pretend it's about the movie. it's love
in the movies it's casablanca and toy story
and water no ice come here. pockets need
to be untucked, drawers thrown open,
nobody's safe. there, I've said it:
someone I was could have loved you.


- Marty McConnell